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Depression is a subject matter that is more widespread than I think most people realise. I'll start with myself. From as young as I can remember I was very depressed. It started to highlight itself at the age of fifteen, by the time I was nineteen I was suicidal. I went to the doctors and got medication. I was on it for a number of years. It seemed to help at first but I was getting worse. I went to psychiatrists, in fact I tried everything. I also started to drink heavily for about eighteen months, it seemed to help initially but as anyone will tell you, alcohol is a depressant. And the mix of alcohol and medication is not good, and not recommended.

So what is depression? From my experience it is the mixture of many things. But the two main ingredients are deep hurt which was repressed, mixed with a deep strong passive anger which I did not feel. In fact I felt nothing, other than a time bomb ready to explode. But amazingly some people could sense the repressed anger/timebomb. I stopped medication, I stopped drinking and went to counselling and started to work on these areas. Now I am not medical doctor I can only share with you what happened to me. I also went for spiritual healing and it helped also.

I tried everything. As I continued the process of releasing this deep pain I started to feel better. I used to think I was lazy because I had no energy and I only found out later that I was lethargic as a result of the depression - which is an illness. Now I am not recommending that individuals come off their medication they must consult their doctor and have to slowly come off it.

I am now a counsellor I teach healing courses and I train counsellors. I was an insurance broker with my own business. And although I was very successful I had a wife and two children everything seemed perfect but it wasn't. To everybody on the outside I looked and seemed very happy. It seemed the more money I made the worse it got. The point I am trying to make is that when I released the pain I got better but more than that, I started to feel what I really wanted to do with my life, insights came flooding in, I was full of energy I did not have enough time in a day to do what I wanted to. Today I am pretty certain that these repressed emotions and feelings distorted my view of life, my reality. Furthermore it is well known that stress can cause illness. So how much damage can these repressed emotions and feelings and experiences do to one. I researched all this many years ago and it does work.

I have always had a belief in God I was brought up a Catholic I was a fervent mass-goer and was even an altar boy which I loved. Strange thing about it was that my parents only went to mass at Christmas and Easter. At the time I didn't know what that was all about. I do know now. I am not going to elaborate on that here maybe at a later date. Who or what God is I don't know other than to say, I now feel totally loved as opposed to those dark days when I felt no love.

To elaborate on some of those dark feelings, I felt alone, I felt no one understood me and I couldn't connect with anybody. Money, sex, everything meant nothing to me. And yet I was ultra-sensitive. I don't mean that I was emotional I was reacting and responding inwardly and non-verbally to people and life around me, to me everybody seemed false and were all pretending. And of course if they weren't then I must be insane. I had two suicide attempts, the last one I nearly succeeded. After my experiences and with a lot of counselling and help and after many years helping others like me I have came to realise that I was probably one of the worst. In the many people that have come to me in the last twenty years I have noticed there are many different levels of depression. I would say most people are down on different levels and at different times in their lives experience a "down-ness" because life can seem cruel and painful and things happen both good and bad. It is very important to reach out and talk to someone preferably someone professional even though it is the last thing you will want to do or be motivated to do.

I don't know if these repressed emotions or experiences cause chemical imbalances but I do know as a healer I have removed blockages from different parts of a person's body which were causing pain physically and the pain went away. I don't know why it just happened and is what happens. The symptoms of repressed negative experiences and emotions can vary from person to person. In me it happened to be depression, in others it can be bad back pain, arthritis, addictions, the list is endless. Now I am not saying that all repressed negative experiences and emotions cause illness and diseases but a lot do.

I will finish with a little personal story. In this depression that I had the hardest of it hit me in my early twenties. I seemed to have no feelings for my parents, for myself in fact for anybody. I was not aware of this at the time and as I have said already I was not aware that I was so angry. So I wasn't aware. A few years into the therapy the anger started to come up very strongly, particularly towards my Mum. I was the eldest of eight and suffice to say she had a tough life. I didn't fully understand where all this anger and hatred was coming from. I just hated her. I spent a number of years working on these negative emotions and experiences with my therapist. The more I worked more deep negative emotions came up. I can assure you there were many times I could have killed my therapist. It felt like it was getting worse I wanted to get away from the way I felt I didn't know it at the time, but my therapist wanted to bring me into the way I felt. Immediate conflict and immediate resistance, Oooooh - Oooooooh this is going to take longer than I thought. Here is the good part, I am lying on my therapist's floor, I am punching and twisting the cushion (to express anger constructively), as if I was twisting my mother's neck and I am screaming. Then in an instant I felt like something/energy left me and I suddenly felt, this incredible love for her that I had never felt before. I sobbed and cried for hours.

She had only passed away a couple of years before and now I couldn't tell her how much I loved her. So you see how much negative emotions can distort our feelings, the love we have for ourselves and others. And I did find a way to talk to her from my heart and other ways to but that is for another article.

I hope this helps someone.

God Bless. It isn't easy but it is worth it.


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